Cactus Chords

Not everyone is as lucky as me when it comes to finding the right person. And when I say that, please don’t start off with the soul mate crap…Spare me the music.

I mean two people who gel and dig each other so well that, there are absolutely no complaints whatsoever. Except the occasional fights that everybody has on small things. But they are not blown out of proportion. It is as good as a friendship, of course, with the benefits of a relationship…ahem ahem…This makes it the perfect relationship. There are a lot of lucky men out there with girlfriends that realize exactly how a male brain functions and gives us space. I drop myself in the same basket. But at the same time we musn’t take advantage of the space given either. Respect must be showered equally to the other party as well. Coz dude, we all know what percentage of women in the world actually understand the male brain and live accordingly.

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Recently, an old friend of mine from college in Bangalore happened to call me out of the blue. He had gone through quite an emotional turmoil in the past couple of years. The reason being, no prizes for guessing, his woman.

The guy was so hysterical when he called that it took me a second to realize that he was not happy on talking to me after long, he was happy that he got a new person to narrate his saga to. He had literally typed out a template with all his problems in his mail drafts and whenever he got a prey to molest, he would send this mail with the name changed to the respective recipient’s. Hilarious!!!
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I received the mail, clicked on it. It took slightly longer than usual, but once it opened, it seemed like Shakespeare was still writing in his grave and he had sent me all that he wrote since he stepped in. It was never ending.  I shut it and called him to ask what exactly was the situation.

Before I tell you what happened next, that very phone call lasted for 5 hours, due course of which he cried like a baby, laughed like a mad man, screamed like a girl, howled like a wolf, sang like a beggar who had his b@!!$ squashed and many other emotions which I never even knew existed. At one point of time he started whining and laughing at the same time. It spooked the very soul out of me. I felt like I was bearing witness to an exorcism on the phone.

There is one thing I have realized about women that when they say “Women Are Complicated”, it’s a bloody hoax. They are not. The basic cause for all the speculations is just one thing, CONSTANT HORMONAL CHANGES & MOOD SWINGS. Every action of a woman can be justified by their mood swings.

Q: Why do people say they are complicated?

A: Because they switch personalities at times without the slightest warning. Some examples:

- They say things with absolutely no connection to the previous sentence.
- You are their prince charming at one time and their worst enemy the next moment.
- They are happy when you get them a gift, but angry that they didn’t get you something and that can ruin that night.
- They are happy you called them but sad why you didn’t call earlier.
- They are happy you have a lot of friends, but angry you spend more time with them, when you actually aren’t
- They are happy when you remember something you shared a while back, when they forget, its because they had so many other problems bothering them and then the famous line “Please, I remember more instances than you”.

And many more which you readers can add, as you read.

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Women have a lot of hormonal changes going on that result in mood swings. Once you keep room for the complete opposite reaction, your life is pretty much smooth sailing. Just like cops think like the way a crook would think to eventually catch them, we must subject our thoughts to those of a woman or at least try to create an inclination towards a woman’s thoughts. I am not in anyway looking down on women. Don’t shoot me.

Q: What is the solution?

A: If it was so easy, then I would be a Guru by now, a millionaire. There is no hard and fast rule buddy. You must be aware of the term Risk Analysis and Risk Management. Something similar to that is what you have to adopt when dealing with women. Adverse Reaction Analysis and Adverse Reaction Management.
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There are signs which women give, which differs from individual to individual, before they go into a frenzy for instance

- constant shifting of position
- vigorous eye movement
- quivering of the nose
- over-examining an object in the vicinity
- fidgety
- snappy
- the dangerous frown that says (what the hell did u just say?)
- the look of disbelief that says (how could you say that?)
- quivering chin, just before tears gush out
- brusque remarks (what?, who?, excuse me?, u crazy?, helloooo!!!)

The moment you hear any of these, it is wise to calm down and say sorry or just change the topic or give another gift or surprise or do something stupid and look cute. Otherwise, it will escalate into a fight unnecessarily and it will be blown out of proportion. If it is a girl who is stronger than you, then I pity you mate.

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Try and avoid these situations as much as possible. Women go through a lot and us guys have it easy throughout. The only thing we have to worry about is getting the food on the table. One way or the other we will do it. But we wont be able to withstand half the things women do, so cut them some slack.

But that doesn’t mean you let them sit on your head and take a dump. I hope you know the relevance of this post and the selective implementation of it.

But it is a complete different feeling to have someone care for you, love you, be there for you and vice versa. So the least we can do is return the favor by choosing the path of least resistance.

I am terribly sorry if you read this whole thing and got nothing out of it. That is why I have it under the necessary category. But thanks for reading anyway.

Cheers!!!

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